#shinji doesn’t hate him but he resents him

[rabbitbites]

ask and you shall receive my friend :3333 (full analysis under the cut)

okay, i’ll do a quick run down on the elevator scene for the uninitiated:

asuka enters the elevator to find that rei is already there, rei stands in front of the door while asuka lingers in the back, as far away from rei as possible. they stand in silence for several seconds

rei tells asuka that she needs to open her heart to her eva in order to properly pilot it. this makes asuka mad

asuka insults shinji and calls rei a doll, and rei denies this which only makes asuka more upset

asuka hits rei (or tries to if you’re watching the rebuild) then exits the elevator, declaring that she hates everyone

obviously, asuka is killua and rei is illumi

their initial conversation doesn’t matter much, illumi gives killua some sort of correction and it pisses killua off. in the rebuild asuka accuses rei of being a nepo baby, and claims that rei has never had to work for what she has. i can see killua maybe having a similar mindset in terms of feeling like he has to work much harder to do the things illumi does with ease, but it doesn’t quite land the same killua being the heir and all.

and then we get the line where asuka calls rei a doll:

“when an emotionless wind up doll like you starts being sympathetic, im doomed!”

and in the rebuild,

“you’re only the commander’s (silva) favorite because you’re a suck up! his obedient little doll that does every single thing he says!”

“i am not a doll”

“you are! you do anything you’re ordered to! you’d kill yourself if your commander (again, silva) told you to, wouldn’t you?”

“of course”

and then a few lines later,

“you are a robot, just like i thought! you’re an unthinking emotionless puppet! i hate you!”

these lines are the real meat of the scene and they give us a very good look into the minds of both characters

for one, asuka is upset that she was bested by someone who she views as “barely a person” it’s like spending years training to be the world’s best chess player only to be immediately beaten by a computer

and for two, the same way that illumi is the perfect assassin, rei is the perfect pilot and from asuka’s vantage point, the only way to surpass her is to become like her and put up with just as much as she does which is completely unacceptable to asuka

the parallels aren’t hard to draw from there, anything killua does illumi can do better, illumi is perfectly obedient to their father, he describes the perfect assassin as a “puppet of darkness with no wants or desires of their own” a description that illumi fits perfectly and which is the last thing that killua wants to become

in other to “win” in the eyes of their father and the rest of the family, killua must become a carbon copy of illumi, and this makes killua resent him

@illukillu sorry for the at but i wanted you to see this since i used your tags :p

killua and illumi in nge elevator scene…..

can anyone hear me……..

[aragakiis]

I think it would be very interesting for someone to point out the physical similarities between Shinji and Kurosawa, because Shinji would react to it, probably deny it, ect ect and I just want to dig deeper into the fact that people should find out they’re related, much to Shinji’s dismay.

[danganronpafan777]

SDRA Boys reaction to finding out Kanade killed there Fem S/O because she is best friend with Hibiki which resulted in Kanade cutting up S/O gruesomely like she did to Setsuka in the canon Game

Damn, fellow angst fan! 

You didn't specify if Hibiki committed the murder too, so I included how they would interact with her after the trial knowing what her sister did-

Yuki Maeda: 

When he sees your body at first, he's in complete shock

He wants to look away, but his eyes won't budge

It isn't until Shinji and Sora say his name a few times when the dam breaks

He's horrified, sad, angry, and full of grief all at once

He throws up during the investigation, and can't go near the body

There's no point, since it's already burned into his mind

He's quiet and crying during the trial, barely even blinking and ignoring anyone who tried to help

Sora tells him if he wants to get justice for you, then he must work with everyone

"...huh...What the hell do you know? About me? About Y/n? She's dead. I don't care anymore."

Yuki goes blank. Even void is a little worried, isn't it a bit soon for Utsuro to come out?

Anytime he sees Hibiki, he feels his stomach drop, the image of your body appearing fresh in his mind

He doesn't want to hate her, as she's just as much of a victim as you were, but her resemblance to Kanade makes him mistake her sometimes

Teruya Otori:

He slams his fist down on the podium in grief and anger, his eyes beginning to swirl in despair.

Why was this happening to him again? It was really all because you befriended the wrong person? Why did you have to die? Why couldn't it have been him!? 

He thinks back to all the moments he had with you. Sun gazing, cuddling, your first kiss... he'd never see you again, he promised he would protect you and he failed again. Why was he such a failure?

He didn't want to give into despair, he really didn't, but sitting idly while everyone you loved died a horrible death made him wonder if hope really did exist 

He stays in your dorm for a while, but definitely keeps a closer eye on everyone

If Hibiki didn't die, he couldn't bring himself to resent her, just her criminal scum of a sister

He has to keep the others safe and put an end to the killing game. He's well aware that he's not smart, if he was, he would have been able to save you

But he's strong. He's pushed himself past his limits before and he's not afraid to do it now. 

He’ll protect everyone because it's what you would have wanted

That's the only thought keeping him sane

Shinji Kasai: 

Also in shock when he sees your body

You were....there...(and there, and there-)

He’s seen a lot of gruesome sights of people who had terrible burns (Including himself, which you always reassured him over) but this was…

He starts to cry right there, as Yuki and Sora rush to comfort him

He can’t bring himself to investigate your corpse or your room, instead talking to everyone about their alibis

This whole time, he was saying that the people in void were friends and probably had some kind of reason for doing this, but…

He’s not sure anymore.

What kind of monster would put you through something so horrid?

When he finds out that it’s Kanade, he nearly breaks his podium

He’d never hit a girl, even if she is a literal demon spawn, but he’ll still yell at her for what she did to you

He can’t forgive her, turning his back on her and not even bothering to watch the execution

He stayed in his room for a few days, barely opening the door to anyone except Yuki

He is actually nicer to Hibiki, and even helps train and comfort her with all she’s been through

but there’s there a part of him that can’t help but think about what would’ve happen if he done this sooner, if he would have met your fate

The thought makes his stomach churn

Hajime Makunouchi:

Falls to his knees upon seeing the body 

He nearly vomits at the way the face on your decapitated head was twisted in terror and your limbs were contorted as if you were nothing more than a doll

Hajime doesn’t feel angry, he just feels… sad.

Abandoned…once again.

He finds himself sobbing, unable to stop

He just felt so alone, but he told himself not to blame you, you hadn’t left him, not on purpose

He can’t investigate… he just can’t…

Ironic, that the strongest person in the class never felt so weak

Another part of him feels guilty, of all those times he talked you into training, into eating healthier foods… what was the point of all that when you were going to die so young?

He can’t say anything to Kanade, he can just glare at her through his sunglasses, his void eyes coming to life

He watches her execution, but he can’t bring himself to smile or feel happy

It just makes him feel….empty

He actively avoids Hibiki, but he’ll try not to treat her any differently

He confronts Nikei about turning against Mikado

Syobai Hashimoto:

Syobai wasn't attached to a lot and he rarely let anyone get close to him 

But he made an exception for you

That's what you were, the exception

He was never loved by anyone in his life

Except you

He never cared about anything other than money and his own survival

Except you

He never fell in love with someone before

Except you

He never felt such sadness and grief when seeing a corpse

Except you.

The moment he saw your corpse, he felt a sharp pain in his chest, a pain unlike any he had felt before

Followed by a tsunami of emotions that were running wild

He forced them all down, much harder to do than ever and investigated your body

He found the culprit easily, charging Kanade with his knife almost immediately

She was quick but not quick enough, he left her within an inch of her life while Hibiki screamed and cried

He used his own medical knowledge to keep her alive for the trial, no matter how hard he wanted to end her right there 

He smiled when she was voted, everyone understanding Syobai's actions

He doesn’t care about Kanade's backstory, he hates her for killing you, that's it

He won't hurt Hibiki, knowing Kanade would probably like that, but he glares at her anytime she's in the room with him 

Yuri Kagarin:

He claimed it was a male the whole trial, only a male would be capable of doing this to you

When he found out it was sweet Kanade, his views shattered

"W-Why...?"  That’s all he can ask, and when she explains, he wishes he kept quiet

You were gruesomely murdered because of your kindness, and how you befriended and comforted a scared and paranoid girl

Kanade was a demon through and through who took pleasure causing pain in others

Only then did he realize what you were always trying to say, about all males not always being bad, funny how the message only got through when he learned the opposite

If Hibiki isn't executed alongside her, he wouldn't ever directly blame her for the person her sister was

But he'll never be able to look at her without thinking of the monster who killed you

Mikado Sannoji: 

This wasn't supposed to happen.

That's the first thought that crosses his mind, out of everyone here, you were supposed to make it to the end

He'd think it was Nikei, being the only void who would dare to do this, but even Nikei is not that psychotic

This was someone that made him look like a saint

He contributes everything during the trial, ignoring when people tell him to be quiet

They don't get to tell him that, not after his S/o was dead

When he learns of Kanade, he feels angry, at both her and himself

He could have figured Kanade's past out if he had just dug a little deeper...

He lightly avoids Hibiki, but doesn't make much of an effort to push her away, 

Not like anyone else besides you would ever willingly talk to him

Nikei Yomiuri:

God damn it... 

Why?!

Rage. He can only feel raw unhindered rage when he sees your mutilated corpse

The whole trial, he thought Mikado was the only bastard messed up enough to do this, there's no way anyone in void would do this to him

To kill the one thing he had left

His leadership, his power, his luck (the whole reason he was pressured into creating this messed up game) 

And now he lost you, the one thing he achieved without the use of his remaining luck

And now you were gone in one of the most messed up ways possible

He demands Kanade's reasons for doing this to you, and only feels more disgusted when he finds out

He hopes she burns in hell

He can't look at Hibiki without his void eyes flaring and his face being consumed by undeniable rage

He lashes out at her a few times, but he doesn't care

He uses the rest of the space in his notepad to write about you

He's not sure if your dead in the real world, but if you were, then he wanted some way for the world to know the kind of person you are

Because he knows for a fact that he's not making it out of here alive

He just hopes he can bring Mikado down with him

[hecksupremechips]

i feel like ken opinion has sifted so like. now hating him may in fact be the unpopular rather than the popular. but if ken hate is still the popular opinion would love to hear ur positive or, if ken appreciation is popular now. p3p theme appreication in contrast to other p3 games? i feel THATS unpopular tbh i may have misunderstood the prompt my brain is jelly

Ken has pretty mixed reviews I think so it’s hard to say if it’s an unpopular opinion to like him. In general I avoid any hate of Ken and just associate with the girlies who are nice to him. BUT I still wanna talk about how much I love Ken anyways so I’ll just answer both parts of this ask 🏂

Kens relationship with Shinji and his specific theories on what happened to his mother vary in each different version of p3 but I’m very much a fan of versions like the movie where the two of them have a sweet bond before Ken learns the truth. Like Ken looking up to shinji and seeing him as just the nicest and coolest guy ever is really cute and the way he nervously asks if Shinji wants to go to the summer festival with him is also so fucking cute. And Shinji feels a mix of shit like obvious guilt and a fear of being too close to Ken but also he’s so fucking protective of Ken too and just wants the kid to be happy and safe and like Shinji is just the kinda guy who’d have a massive soft spot for kids so he definitely would have a soft spot for Ken. But hnnghh I’m not here to talk about that! So yeah I think Ken loves Shinji a lot but then when he discovers the truth everything becomes really fucking complicated. There’s this really good moment in the movie where right before October 4th Ken is taking care of the fish Shinji won for him at the fair (WHICH IS SO CUTE) and he starts crying and is like “of all people, whyd it have to be you?” Which makes me sob so I love like. Ken has known for some time that there was some unnatural bullshit with his mothers death and that she was killed, but he’s been completely invalidated by the police and really any adult he’s tried telling this to. So he just becomes more and more resentful because no one ever takes him seriously and he KNOWS what he saw so he takes it upon himself to reveal the truth and get revenge. His idea of revenge is like a vague idea that just kinda spirals I’d say like he definitely thinks his mom was murdered in an intentional and malicious way so it’s easy to hate her killer and it’s easy to want to kill them. But then when he realizes it’s Shinji it throws him for a loop cuz he loves Shinji and while their time together has been short, he’s a good guy like yeah he’s intimidating and isn’t in control of his persona or his emotions but the idea of him being a murderer is really hard to believe. But Ken has been building this idea in his head for so long and he’s so young and has been told everything is black and white so he tries to carry out his plan anyways. AND THIS IS JUST MY PERSONAL BELIEF but if they hadn’t been interrupted I genuinely don’t think Ken would’ve been able to kill Shinji. I think he would’ve been standing there shaking and sweating like IM GONNA DO IT IM GONNA GET YOU but he doesn’t move at most he would injure Shinji but he wouldn’t kill him. He isn’t in his right mind and his worldview is shattering I think he could’ve been talked out of it cuz he’s a good kid man and he was very clearly hesitant

So yeah I love his relationship with shinji and his rage that comes from grief and invalidation, he really does just need a fucking hug. And I love how sweet he is how much he cares about the others and how like. He really is just 10 years old and you just wanna get him outta there lol like he should not be fighting shadows he should be playing shadow the hedgehog 😭

And my ass is always here to appreciate p3p and its themes like oh my godddd AAAAAA. Anyone who says Kotone goes against the theme of the game is just like. Stupid? And misogynistic obviously. Cuz i really truly don’t see how??? Like genuinely don’t know how that conclusion can be reached other than misogynistic nonsense. I love Kotone she’s a very good protagonist I’d say what really makes her work for me in contrast with the other protagonists is like. She isn’t some sorta Perfect Ideal Man for the straight men playing to project onto like just by being a girl they kinda had to throw that idea out the window lol and she’s just like silly and goofy, she isn’t this perfect amazing mold she’s just chilling. And I also obviously like her cuz yay female protagonist lol

I think Kotone brings out the best in the team like portables version of the characters is the ideal way of experiencing them like they’re so so good and i really really felt like everyone loved and cared for each other cuz that’s a problem that persona games have imo (in 4 UGHHH they all just like treated each other horribly and everyone acts like they’re such great friends and I’m like. What game did you play sir). And obviously her social links are leagues better like why would I want the alternative like hello Akihiko and Shinji are literally the stars and the moon that’s so fucking good and I can hang out with Ken and a dog and a cool librarian girl. I’ll say the romance options are pretty shit but guys honestly, persona romance routes have never really been GOOD

Then I guess the big controversy, the pocket watch coma route, I’ve gone on record pretty much every goddamn day voicing my love for this aspect of the game like. It’s all the same; Shinji is deeply suicidal and literally dies thinking he deserves it, his death being “necessary” for the theme to work is such a slap in the face to me like it comes off as either Shinji dying was meant to be a lesson to the audience to not live like him cuz that’d be wasting your life which is, really shitty and inconsiderate like good god I think being depressed because you can’t control your emotions and you accidentally killed a woman when you were 16 is pretty justified i dont think you can just “move on” from that. The alternative is his death is supposed to be this tragedy that the player must overcome because they’re trying to say that death happens and you lose people and it sucks but that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living which. First off, literally all these characters have already lost someone important to them so killing off Shinji is completely unnecessary and second uh. I feel like if that’s the lesson you wanna teach, shouldn’t Shinji be like the ideal character to teach it to??? And like I’ve said this many times but it’s really hard for me to feel good about this games themes when the character whose struggles i related to most apparently needed to die for the message to work like. Thanks for that 😞. I don’t think you have to avoid ever writing suicide or like bad things happening to suicidal characters but this specific instance was just. Oh it was so bad I hate it so much I refuse to play any version of this game where Shinji dies I refuse.

So uh basically when he gets to live, specifically through the power of friendship, it means so much to me. It’s a good way of showing how simple acts of kindness can go a long way and we keep each other alive by being loving to one another and taking care of each other and that’s what life’s all about. And I like optimism and love being used to show life is worth living cuz that’s way more effective in making me want to live than some fear mongering shit. So yeah I’m clinging onto Shinji getting to live for dear life it’s actually so so important to me that someone like him get a chance to realize he’s worth something and he deserves to be alive and happy and he can get there one day. Makes me feel less hopeless 🥰

And I’ll just leave with this: the most important thing in the world is in the stage play when Shinji wakes up from his coma Ken gives him a massive hug and I cry and I sob and I die

[straycatboogie]

2023/02/09 English

BGM: Lou Reed - Walk On The Wild Side

This morning I used Twitter a little and found that something was wrong with it so many users got confused. I remember that once I was soaked in Twitter and did it every day. Now I think that Twitter is just one of the social media I belong to, so I can use it at a certain distance, not being addicted to relatively. If I couldn't use Twitter, I would use Facebook and Discord, and more, I would choose the real. I live with no money and am full of free time, in other words, I live an "ultra" slow life. I am certainly getting closer to the stage of "ria-jiu". "Ria-jiu" is Japanese internet slang but difficult to say what it is in English. It doesn't have any positive meaning but is used with jealousy and some kind of tough irony. My friends suggested that I can use "normie" to describe it.

I came back to this town from my parent's house and went to Aeon because today was also a day off. I enjoyed Stevie Wonder's music and got relaxed there. Once I had a huge anger or resentment in my house. It was the one my father built with the money he had got when he retired from his job. I wouldn't build my house because I am basically so poor. I can remember that my father said to me "when I was young as you, I could do something, etc.". After that, my father changed his opinion and understood my autism so I have no anger with it, but my house was certainly the cause of my curse on the world so I hated staying my home. Ah, I drank a lot in that house dreaming of getting out there. I can remember that I had a rotten mind in my 20s and 30s like that. It was a long time ago...

This afternoon I enjoyed Shinji Miyadai and Yukiko Hayami's book "Cipher Awake!" with Sam Prekop's music. As I wrote once, I read Shinji Miyadai's books and was almost a believer or follower of him. They talked about the sublime thing and also tried to explain how touching the world beyond our society can be important. It would be placing ourselves in a world that is larger than society, and identifying "us in a world" or "us for ourselves" beyond "in the society". My understanding is that identifying ourselves like that can empower our core, and therefore we can be so tough that anything can't blow us. The identity that isn't moved easily by any situation. Me, I feel the music of Fishmans and Sonny Rollins is quite a sublime thing, and that might be because I exactly felt their concept of "cipher", or the ultimate wonder of being myself in a world.

This evening I attended the online meeting and learned how to face when we were in the emergency state by the disaster. The person who actually had experienced the training talked about what we would need in that emergency state on the base of that experience. I think about the earthquake in Turkey or the earthquake which happened in our region once (it is called Great Hanshin-Awaji Earthquake).  Attending that kind of training would make our knowledge version up, and also make us slimmer to move easily. I think that I would need water, food, glasses, and the medicine I usually take every day. But I might choose Junichiro Tanizaki's paperback, especially "The Makioka Sisters" beside them... When we were in that kind of state, we could use that paperback to clean our bodies after the bathroom I guess... What do you think?

[oh-my-moomin]

NGE: You Deserve Love

This is an analysis based solely on the og NGE anime series and not the movie or rebirth series so I won’t be mentioning those.

NGE is a psychological horror/apocalypse story dressed up as a mecha. This farce is only totally dropped in the last 2, even 3 episodes. This can make the ending jarring and seem in cohesive, but ultimately my understanding is that none of the ‘plot’ really matters. Seele doesn’t matter, where the angels come from doesn’t really matter, and the final battle doesn’t matter. This is a story exploring loss, the need for connection, loneliness, and humanity. We see this through not only the interactions of the human characters but also through the angels.

THE HUMANS

The Children

A defining trait of all the characters is that they are lonely. The isolation from human connection is brought on both by the high stress apocalypse they all live in, as well as the personal demons they face. The characters all attempt to create bonds with other people, but are held back by their insecurities, fear of vulnerability, and past traumas.

Let’s start with Shinji, as the main character. Having lost his mother at a young age, and being abandoned by this father, he was never able to feel secure. Therefore he takes on a people pleaser attitude, constantly apologizing. His want for validation (particularly from adults in his life) causes him to continue to take action that he doesn't want to, including piloting the EVA. His self hate and insecurity makes it hard for him to make and trust his own choices. So he relies on others to guide him. When this fails, when he doesn't get the love and validation he craves he tries to quite entirely. But this often leads to the people he cares about being hurt. He's trapped between a rock and hard place.

Asuka was also abandoned, however rather than craving support like Shinji, she chooses to live for herself. She craves independence. She needs to know that she is no longer a child that can be hurt and vulnerable. This is largely shown through both her overt sexuality, and her piloting the EVA. She must be in control of the EVA, she must have power, she must be able to prove herself as the best, the strongest. Because inside she still feels like that hurt desperate child, and that is what she hates most about herself. Unlike Shinji, Asuka is brash and rude, and she expects others to give her the same. She barks and expects you to bark back, but can’t always handle it. 

Both of these characters are constantly looking for connection, with both their peers and adults. While Asuka often pushes herself on to people, out of a need to be seen. Shinji cannot take active moves to make meaningful connections, and will shy away from people trying to connect. Asuka hates herself and needs to prove that others love her. Shinji hates himself and cannot imagine that people love him. 

The Adults

One of the running themes in the show is motherhood. Typically it is the mother that is expected to love and care for the child, to raise them, show unconditional love, give unwavering support. None of the characters have had this, Shinji and Asuka search for validation that they lost in adults in different ways. Unfortunately for them, none of the adults present are suitable to be parents. 

The show makes a point to show that the adult characters are all more complex than the children. They have lived longer and therefore had more time to make mistakes, to get stuck in toxic ideals, to ‘be problematic’. They are not concretely good or bad people (mostly), but rather the result of people who grew up in a post apocalyptic world, trying desperately to stop the salvage it, while also trying to make their own connections. Like the child characters, their past traumas make it harder for them to be more open, vulnerable, and weak, to form that human connection. 

I am going to focus on Misato and Ritsuko, since they act as foils when it comes to human connection.

Misato being left as a lone survivor to a terrible accident has left her scared both physically and mentally. Before this she had issues with her parents, as her father seemed to abandon his family in favour of work, leaving her mother devastated. Misato doesn't want to become like her mother, abandoned by a loved one, and she also doesn't want to be her father, a slave to work. To counter this she looks for easy connections, but she never wants to get too close.

When her relationship with Kaji was beginning to feel too real, she began to find flaws. His resemblance to her father was terrifying, so she broke it off. Similarly, when in scenes with Shinji, talking about his insecurities or his want to give up, she is hidden by shadow. She cannot be seen as weak, she cannot offer comfort, she cannot be a mother figure to Shinji. Other ways her searching for easy connection is her drinking beer, or eating take out. She searches for the most basic ways to fulfill her needs, so that she can focus on her main goal of defeating the angels. 

Ritsuko is also desperate to find human connection without vulnerability. By fully closing off the whole world she can have no weakness, something which she resents in Misato. She views herself as above the need for connection in that way, and would rather follow in her mothers foot footsteps as a scientist and a woman. 

She loved and admired her mother, and hated her. She wants to follow in her footsteps but also would hate to fail in the same ways. She saw how her mother failed to actually mother her, and chose to completely reject that part of herself. Instead she cares for cats, and uses those as a surrogate to having a child. She continues her mothers work as a scientist, constantly striving to improve. And when it comes to the ‘woman’ that her mother was, she knew a stubborn woman who focused solely on one man. So Ritsuko also focused on him, to the point of giving up her cat to her grandmother. Both women tried to create an easy connection with him, both felt that they were his equal, and that they found the one connection that mattered. When it was proven to them that they were a second (third) woman this caused them both to break down. For Ritsuko this meant that even though she closed off the whole world, except for one man, she was still too vulnerable. And her only response was to completely shut down. Because she had no one else.

All of the characters are constantly searching for this connection, trying to show affection without getting hurt. Trying to make sense of the end of the world while also making sense of interpersonal relationships. Their own inner demons getting in the way of honest connection. 

Rei

As a clone Rei is a particular case. She is aware that she is not a ‘person’, she isnt meant for human connection. Her isolation is so ingrained into her, planned before she is even ‘born’ so she feels no need to care for anyone except Ikari. She latches onto him, would do anything for him, and has no value in her life because she is aware that she is not real. 

However, she still has a human source, Shinjis mother. A human person, who also needed human connection. Rei, when given the chance, does care for people. Shinji is the first person to see her as a peer, and to treat her with kindness. With this start of forming connections, she begins to feel more human, to develop a further need to connect. Even if it's hard to fully separate from the man who created her.

THE ANGELS

The angels act as a foil to the human need for connection. While all of the human characters are lonely and searching for connection with each other, the angels are also lonely and trying to learn what that even means. 

There is no scene where the angels are working together, they are solitary, all having the same goal of reaching Adam, but incapable of planning together to achieve it. They instead try to create connection to humans, trying to bond and understand them, without knowing that their methods are harmful. 

I believe this can be first seen with the 12th angel. When Shinji is absorbed into the EVA, it is safe to say that the angel was able to understand the merging of human and EVA. This connection allowed Shinji to control the EVA to break free of the angel's shadow. The following month where Shinji is trapped within his EVA, is our first insight into what the human instrumentality project will be like, as well as the goals of the angels. 

Since angels cannot connect to each other, the 15th angel attempts to create connection by forcing itself into Asukas mind. It wants to understand her, her emotions, her thoughts, her connections, her love. For her this is a painful experience, akin to rape. She feels dirtied after it. But the attack is a beam of light, with holy music playing, what should be a calming experience. I believe it is fair to say that the angel cannot understand that it is putting her through pain, as it cannot understand any human experiences. Angels are incapable of understanding their own feelings/experiences/wants, and try to use humans as a study from which they can learn. 

The following angel confronts Rei about her loneliness. Instead of breaking into her mind through light, it directly entered her body. While talking with her, it questioned what loneliness was, trying to understand its own pain and isolation through understanding hers. Its solution is to merge with Rei, as it believes this would solve both problems. 

However, when she refuses, the angel then tries to find another source of connection. Rei cares about Shinji, as both a clone of his mother, and a friend as her own person. The angel can see that this connection is something that she finds precious and tries to take it for itself, as it cannot understand why Shinji wouldn’t feel the same. It cannot understand how complex human connections are, that it cannot simply take Reis form. However, it has learned what pain is, and how to communicate its own pain. As seen when Shinji attacks it. Whether this pain is physical or emotional doesn't matter, because it is the first pain that the angel could express.

The angels discovering what loneliness is acts as a way for the human pilots to begin to explore their own isolation in more depth. For better or worse.

THE FINAL MESSENGER

Our introduction to the final angel is him singing. He takes a human form, can fully communicate to other humans, and doesn’t immediately attack them. This is such a contrast to all other angels that it isn't immediately clear that he even is an angel. Kaworu's first words are (as per the netflix english subtitles)

“Arent songs great? Songs enrich the heart. They're the crowning achievement of Lilin culture” 

He loves humans, human culture, human lives, and the human world. He is the first angel who is able to show this. His ability to understand humans allows him to form human connections, and he does so with Shinji. 

Kaworu loved Shinji. He would seek out Shinji, take time to bond and communicate with him, and help Shinji open up. He wanted to be close with Shinji, and knew how to be gentle in ways that no other human or angel could. He was patient, because he had time. And Shinji was able to open up to him more than with any other character. Shinji  was able to take the initiative to ask to stay with him, to try and form that connection.

All the human characters are struggling with their own demons, with an apocalyptic world. The whole earth is at war and Shinji is in the front lines, surrounded by adults who may want to help him but ultimately can't. Saving everyone is a higher priority to saving one kid, especially when that kid is your strongest soldier. Throughout the series Shinji is given conditional love. It is only when he pilots the EVA, defeats the angels and saves the day that people give him validation. Then comes this boy, who is gentle and kind, who listens. And it's easy, its comfort, its understanding and unconditional love, and its exactly what Shinji has needed for the whole series. 

But as a messenger he could never stay, he's temporary and by the end of the episode he understands this. He still is driven to ‘Adam’, he has a mission, but instead he is confronted with Lilith. Kaworu understands that humans and angels cannot live together in harmony, only one can survive. Both Adam and Litlith were made in god's image, but only Adam could stay in the garden of Eden. Death and Life hold equal value to Kaworu, so he doesn't mind the sacrifice, he would rather die to protect humans, to protect Shinji. He can  also understand that this is difficult, this is murder, this is killing a friend. So he says “thank you” and he waits.

In other episodes when in a battle, Shinji is constantly being yelled at, told what to do, under constant pressure. But here there is just the same patient understanding that Kaworu has always shown him. No rush for him to take action, just time to process and grieve. Because Kaworu knows Shinji will make the hard choice and he waits, and he smiles, and he continues to love Shinji. 

The final angel came down as a messenger and said

“You are important. 

I want to talk to you, to know you. 

You are in pain, you are fragile and should be protected. 

You are worthy of my affection. 

I like you. I love you. I was born just so that I could meet you. 

Our kind cannot survive together, one of us must die. And you deserve to live. 

I will take this burden of death because you deserve a future. 

I am glad I could meet you, thank you. 

I know this is hard, and I know you need time. I will wait.

Thank you.”

That was the last message to humanity.

And because Shinji is human he says back

“We are the same. I love you too. If only one of us could have lived it should have been you. You are better than me. You should have survived.”

[loralee-frickfrackao3]

Asuka and Misato in my mind over the years

Need to get this out my system real quick lol

I actually love the og Eva sereis so much, the first time I watched it was somewhere around 2014/2015 because I’d seen a lot of people gush about the third Rebuild movie and got curious, I was just getting into anime at that point as well as becoming more sensitive to lots of queer and mental-health related ideas. In any case, I enjoyed Eva a lot then, though I certainly didn’t get pretty much any of it. I felt emotional, and I definitely felt for the characters, but I definitely didn’t get them as people (especially Asuka - which I’ll get into later because I have so many thoughts on her)

But I rewatched a huge chunk of it somewhere around last year and it struck me how differently I saw and read all the characters and the shot compositions - it simply clicked in a very strong and potent way. And this wasn’t the first time I’d realized how much perception changes with lived experience, but it hit me really hard with Eva, I think. Especially because people still talk about it and very much like Twin Peaks analysis, everyone just focuses on putting everything into neat boxes and centers it very hard on Shinji as well. But it’s always in a very resentful way, either at Shinji or at the other characters, all of which I think leaves people with a very wrong impression of what the Eva viewing experience can be and how much the writing actually holds up.

I won’t get into full detail on every single character and I won’t make this about Shinji because that’s a bit central to the point I want to make anyway - Shinji is the main character, yes, but it’s not only about him. The series takes great pains to establish that Shinji is not other people’s top priority when they all have so many of their own personal issues. I think it actually balances out Shinji’s deep need for closeness and attention being a valid thing to want. That, no,  it doesn’t make him a whiny bitch that he wants to be valued, to feel important, to have other people give him attention and see him as a valuable person to be around. But at the same time, great focus is put on how it’s not other people’s responsibility to provide all this to him and drop everything in their lives to coddle him. Well, Gendo is responsible to be there for his child, but that is definitely its own subject for a ton of analysis. 

In short, the series neither condemns nor coddles Shinji, which is a really important nuance for the whole series. And it’s an important one to strike when it comes to the subject of growing up, finding yourself, connecting to others and understanding them even while you struggle. It’s good stuff, it’s potent stuff that I love quite a lot and is why I’m always so frustrated by all the extremely shitty takes on shinji i see in 95% of video essays on eva FROTHING AT THE MOUTH DO NOT GET ME STARTED

But onto the women! Because they are really important and despite all the merchandise, porn and objectification, they are very human and relatable.

I hated Asuka when I was a teen. I loathed her because she felt like someone’s Mary Sue OC and as a very shy, awkward, self-loathing teen, pretty much the exact same age as Asuka, I felt really affronted and... I don’t know if envious is the right word, but there was a very strong resentment for how seemingly smart, perfect, beautiful and confident she was. It felt like such an overidealized and unrealistic standart and a LOT of very sensitive nerves were struck and simply wanted to tear into her. I’m not sure I even sympathized with her all that much once her baggage was revealed, at the time.

But seeong her through the eyes of my adult self, I felt so much for her. Her need to be important, to be seen, to be perfect - to show everyone that she is mature, that she is grown up and can be loved and respected like an adult - it hit really close to home. Even outside of my personal perceptions and state of mind etc., Asuka’s behavior reminded me of so many other girls I have known and know even now. She filled me with such a familiar feeling of helplessness and need for approval. The lashing out, the standoffishness, the provocation, the insistence your grown up and /understand/. The frustration that the adults around you don’t treat you like one of them despite all your efforts and achievements.

And the way I, now an adult, looking back at that Asuka and seeing her pain and frustration but also knowing that no adult could treat her the way she wants to be treated because she’s simply not ready for that emotionally yet. The desire to protect her from things that are too adult, but coming off as out-of-touch and condescending. Ah... There are so many dynamics and emotions at play, it hits me in so many vulnerable places.

Switching to Misato (and the other adults) - it’s interesting how the grownups are all a huge mess as well. They just have to grapple with other issues and present strong and capable, and they have so many more freedoms compared to the pilots, but they’re just as helpless and ill-equipped for so many things in life. 

And I love the way their different dysfunctions are presented. I love how the show looks at all these different people from different points of view and demistifies the walls and masks we put on in our lives. The adults present strong in front of each other, until we see the certain people who see right through them. They present strong in front of the pilots, who look up to them and idolize how free and successful they are, surely they have it all together? And then the resentment of - ‘they have it so easy’ or ‘if they have it so good why can’t they give ME more attention, why can’t they prioritize helping ME too’. Which is understandable from the perspective of the pilots. But it’s also more often than not an impossible demand to meet. And that balance RUINS ME. Everyone in NGE is such a mess, but each one is written with a very palpable understanding of each and every dysfunction and struggle.

And onto Misato proper - who I, as my teen self, also looked up to in that ‘aw man she’s so cool yeah i wanna be like that, i totally relate to her cool adult nature at age 14 yeah’. And, obviously, I hadn’t reached the kind of experience to really get Misato’s damage. It’s her relationships and her proclivities for sex, that I couldn’t understand because I was an awkward but horny virgin with zero boyfriends to her name. So Misato’s situation seemed so enviable, wanted by a hot guy, being desirable and having sex whenever you want. I didn’t quite understand the nuance of ‘giving yourself to people to feel loved and important’. It wasn’t a situation I had ever been in, not a state of mind I knew how to get into.

In the years since, I get her. I get Misato - I get that absolutely desperate clawing sense of no self-worth and need to just have someone touch you, hold you, treat you ‘special’ when that’s the only thing in your head. Having sex that you want but feel gross about later because it was unsatisfying, because it was a one night stand that you needed but the other person didn’t care for. The incessant thought under your skin that if you let yourself be used you will be useful to somebody. 

The camera leering on Misato when she’s trying purposefully to get eyes on her, or when the camera wants to show how the men around her do not respect her, when they leer at her body and she is framed as helpless. It all coalesces into this good beautiful painful mess and I appreciate being able to see these characters again through newer eyes. To know that the people who wrote them also understood these specific feelings so well.

There are tons of issues with NGE and its treatment of women, especially in the newer movies. But I will stand by my love and appreciation for the og series because I think there’s SO MUCH MORE to it than the things people tend to focus on as its special qualities. It’s not just depression or social isolation or growing up or maturing sexually or boring freudian daddy issues and ego-superego-id at play. The original Eva is a very genuine piece of many somebodies’ hearts, laid bare and vulnerable and expressed into these characters in really human ways. 

And it’s that little glimmer I live for.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

For the “everyone who died is able to wake up” sdra2 au, could you do headcanons of the characters who died reuniting with their s/o who made it to the end? If all the dead characters is too much, you can choose who to do, but if you decide to do Shinji, since he has teenage children, maybe you could include them being there too?

I can do all of them! I think the Void members are the same age outside the simulation so I’ll just leave them at that.

Obvious major spoilers! This took forever to write whew

.........

Yuri

Realizing that you saw each other as high schoolers was quite strange. But now you remembered why Yuri became so attached to you the moment you met on the island.

Everyone who woke up was shook upon seeing how tall and muscular he actually was. But you were just happy to see your boyfriend alive and well.

You tell him everything that’s happened, and he’s understandably bitter about Hajime killing him (you had to distract him with a kiss so he didn’t actually punch him).

In time he decides to forgive the boxer...but only because you asked him to.

He feels guilty about letting Monocrow be used for the killing game. So to ensure his work didn’t hurt anyone else, he destroyed all the data and blueprints associated with the bird.

The simulation reminded you of how short he was back then--and you’d tease him about it often (much to his embarrassment).

Hajime

Wakes up disoriented and confused, until he realizes he’s alive and back in the real world. Though he’s got a bit of a headache.

Then he sees you and smiles. “Were you waiting long?”

“Almost too long, you dumbass.” You just hug him tightly, grateful that his brain wasn’t fried to mush like you feared.

He has genuine regrets about siding with Mikado and offers to let you punch him if you wanted to. But you only give him a kiss and reassure him that’s all in the past.

Despite everything, he manages to joke about being turned into a doll, claiming it could be good merchandise to sell in the future. Though for now you both just wanna go home and recuperate from what happened.

Yep, he’s still got his healthy habits so he’ll be sure to take care of himself (and you, of course, since your mental health is just as important as your physical health).

Kokoro

Has the most nonchalant reaction. 

She feels unusually cold, but quickly claims it’s just an “after-effect” of the death she experienced in the program.

If anyone else was her s/o, they would’ve been angry and confused at her neutral reaction. But you’ve known her long enough to know she’s like this all the time. 

So you just smile and welcome her back, telling her you survived--like her younger self anticipated.

With both versions of Mikado gone, she isn’t exactly sure where to go with her research from here. But you convinced her to take a long break from her work.

She thought you’d be angry or at least disappointed that she contributed to the simulation’s creation, but you aren’t.

You didn’t have the heart to hate her, even though before that you resented her for using her daughter for human experiments.

Emma

Surprisingly calm...at first. She just acts like she woke up from a nap, relieved “this bad dream” was finally over.

But then she sees her hands--realizing she’s whole again and not some disgusting mess of flesh trapped in limbo--as you hold them and smile softly at her. “Welcome back to the land of the living, darling.”

Everything hits her all at once, and before you knew it, she was hugging you tightly and sobbing into your chest as she apologized for everything she did. 

She was scared she’d never see you again, worrying if you’d survive to the end (imagine her relief when you did).

You spend a bit of time comforting her, rubbing her back and reassuring her she was finally free of Mikado’s influence.

You’re close to tears yourself--seeing her slaughtered by horror movie monsters was a grim execution you wouldn’t forget easily. 

And after coming home that’s one movie genre you both avoid for a while.

Setsuka

She wakes up feeling disappointed and some back/joint pain that she didn’t see through her mission till the end, but she’s happy to be back with you.

You practically throw yourself into her arms, relieved she was whole again and not just limbs scattered across a haunted house attraction.

If you decide to tell her about the circumstances regarding her death, she might be quite unnerved, at first, though she doesn’t resent Hibiki once you mention how she was basically a puppet during that time.

Her quick forgiveness would’ve been surprising, but you only expected that from her and just smile, giving her a kiss.

“You’re taking a few days off of work. I don’t care what Tsurugi says--you need it.”

“Alright, alright..fair enough...by the way, I’m still as cute as I was back then, right?” She chuckles.

Yep, that’s your sweetheart of a former billiards player alright.

Hibiki/Kanade

(I hc that Kanade’s serial killer backstory was all fabricated, and her obsession over Hibiki isn’t as extreme irl, but she still has some overprotectiveness).

When the twins wake up at the same time, they...honestly aren’t sure what to say to you--or each other for that matter.

Kanade was staring off into space, fully aware of the horrible things she said and did. Meanwhile Hibiki looked ready to yell at her as soon as she spoke. And you were just watching them nervously.

But then you’re surprised when the younger sister reaches over to hug you, starting to cry and apologize for everything. She could never see herself doing any of those things in real life...but she doesn’t expect any forgiveness right away.

To her shock, you forgave her--knowing that the Kanade in that simulation wasn’t your sweet and shy sweetheart. The real one you’ve known since forever was right here, feeling truly remorseful for things she never did.

It’s not long before Hibiki burst into tears too and oops now both of them are crying into your arms. 

But you didn’t care. What mattered was that the nightmare was finally over.

Shinji

Your teenage kids were brought to the location of the pods by the KF (as other living relatives of the kidnapped participants were), and they anxiously waited for you and Shinji to awaken.

The relief and joy you felt upon seeing their smiling, tearful faces was immensurable as they practically tackle-hugged you. But when they ask about their father, you decide they’re mature enough to know what happened--and so you explain that he made a sacrifice to protect everyone, including you.

They promise to wait for him, as they did for you...and man is that wait worth it when he awakens to see his beloved family.

It’s a very, very tearful reunion, but it was especially overwhelming for you, considering you still have the image of your husband’s burnt corpse fresh in your mind.

Shinji’s optimism never wavers, even after everything. He points out that the way you two have interacted in the simulation was similar to how you both met in real life during high school (minus the killings, of course).

You regrettably tell him what became of Yuki, but he just hopes the kid’s doing alright, wherever he may be.

Nikei

The moment he wakes up, he takes a few seconds to register three things: he’s alive, you’re alive, and his right hand is back. 

But before you can ask him how he’s feeling, a billion and one questions fly out of his mouth.

“Is it all over?? Is Mikado gone?!! What about Utsuro--??"

You do your best to calm him down and catch him up to speed, reassuring him Mikado is gone and won’t hurt him ever again.

Though now that he sees everyone alive and well--including Shinji and Void--he feels tense and awkward, wondering what the future holds now. But you take his right hand to divert his attention back to you.

He gets pretty choked up, realizing that he’s finally free and isn’t doomed forever and can actually go home with you. You just smile and hug him, repeating those reassurances.

Considering his breakdown in the trial where he got executed, you decide you’ll have a long chat about his insecurities when you two get home--with him being the interviewee.

Teruya

Rei and Tsurugi are with you when Teruya finally awakens. Though before he can even properly get out of the pod, you throw your arms around him and he doesn’t hesitate to embrace you back.

He’s already in tears himself, relieved when you tell him you survived.

“That’s good..I’m..I-I’m glad you made it out.”

“I would’ve liked to make it out with you, too, idiot.” You huff, remembering how he refused the antidote you tried giving him for the poison. 

He told you why he needed to die so you could escape with everyone. And it hurt him a lot to do that, but you forgive him..though only if he promises to never make a stupid sacrifice like that again.

You decide to leave out how you almost got executed by an incorrect vote. For a while you thought you could never avenge your boyfriend, but with Mikado finally gone..you were now satisfied.

He’ll need a few days off of work after what he’s been through. You already chewed out Tsurugi for calling Teruya a “diversion”, so he begrudgingly allows it.

[yumeka36]

Thoughts on Rebuild of Evangelion (all movies plus ending interpretation)

*Artwork credited to リオ on pixiv*

Now that Evangelion 3.0+1.0 Thrice Upon a Time, the last movie of the Rebuild of Evangelion saga, has been released, I'm finally ready to discuss all the movies as a whole, including my interpretation of the ending...

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

I've been a fan of Evangelion for nearly 20 years, starting back in 2002. After hearing the series praised by some classmates, I asked for the DVD set of the original TV anime for Christmas that year. I was 15 years old and a fairly new anime fan at the time, so naturally I was blown away by the show. The Internet was young then, and since there were no fandom wikis or YouTube explanation videos available in those days, I had to rely on a few scattered fan sites and my own resources (mostly bonus features on the old DVDs) to try and figure out the lore and symbolism. Even though many aspects of the series, as well as the eventual "true ending" movie, End of Evangelion, left me scratching my head, I still loved it and it left a long-lasting impression on me. And now, here I am almost two decades later, sharing my thoughts about the new movies...

-Before Thrice Upon a Time was released, I hadn't touched Evangelion since 3.33 came out in 2012. I had forgotten many details, and since Evangelion is a franchise that is fraught with nuances and subtleties that can be key to understanding what the heck is going on, I wanted to watch all the Rebuild movies again before watching Thrice Upon a Time. So I plowed through all four movies this week, and I gotta say, after being away from the franchise for so many years, I'm happy to report that I still thoroughly enjoyed it. But I can also recognize that it is definitely not a series for everyone. The drawn-out technobabble, constant introduction of lore jargon with little to no explanation, and the ambiguity between what's real and what's symbolic, can certainly turn off casual viewers (it gives Kingdom Hearts lore a run for its money!) Funnily enough, as I was watching the Rebuild movies, I was thinking, "I understood the lore better 20 years ago than I do now, lol" (maybe it's because I was younger and didn't have as strong of a theorizing mind as I do now!) But after reading through a bunch of pages on the EvaGeeks Wiki, I learned enough to get a gist of the story's vaguer elements. But unfortunately, the fact that information necessary for understanding the plot can only be found by Internet research, could certainly be a turn-off for viewers. But at the same time, for those willing to make the commitment, or at least appreciate the series' other qualities even if you can't follow many aspects of the lore, it's definitely an anime unlike any other. There's a reason it's been such a well-known franchise in Japan for so long.

-Asuka has been one of my favorite anime characters ever since I saw the original Eva TV series, and thankfully, I'm happy with what they did with her character in the Rebuild movies. My only complaint is that I preferred her original backstory that emphasized her relationship with her mother, rather than having a "clone-complex" similar to Rei. However, her character development in this new storyline made up for it. The Rebuild movies really nailed her abrasive, no-nonsense personality that hides depth within. There were also more scenes that showed her "softer" side, something I always felt was lacking in the original series, such as when she confides in Misato towards the end of 2.22 and when she confesses her feelings to Shinji in Thrice Upon a Time. I also felt her initial dislike for Shinji and Rei was a bit more warranted this time; despising the fact that they were able to become Eva pilots purely by connection to Gendo while she had to work hard for it. But again, we get more hints at her kinder side when she makes the sacrifice to help Rei get Shinji and Gendo together. This is pretty contrasting to the original series, where she was always oozing hate for Rei. Even their infamous elevator scene ended differently in 2.22 compared to the TV series, where instead of hitting and yelling at Rei, she agrees to help her (in her subtle, Asuka-way). Asuka and Rei also had a brief scene together when they were at Village 3 in Thrice Upon a Time, and the way Asuka talked to her made me feel like she actually cared about her, or at least didn't hate her. But even with the Rebuild movies giving Asuka more scenes to show her goodness, they still stayed true to her tough-love personality - it's not like she suddenly started smiling a lot, or gave Shinji a passionate hug, or broke out in tears...they developed her character without making her do a 180 change, which I appreciated. Even in her final scene with Shinji on the beach before he saves her (loved that scene, and the shoutout to End of Eva there) she still reacted in her "tsundere" way (though not as harshly of course). I'd also like to mention that they made the fourteen year time-skip in 3.33 very believable in terms of Asuka's growth. I really liked the hardened, lone-wolf, protector role she had in Thrice Upon a Time because it makes sense - fourteen years had passed and she not only matured during that time, but she had spent all those years being the sole Eva pilot along with Mari fighting to protect humanity, so settling into that kind of identity makes sense for her. But yeah, Asuka's always been a great character, and the Rebuild movies made her even more awesome in my opinion.

-When I first watched 2.22 years ago when it came out, I was puzzled that they decided to put Asuka in the Eva that Unit-01 ends up destroying rather than Toji. But looking back on it it now, it worked better since they had a plan for Toji's character that had nothing to do with the Evas. I did kind of miss Asuka's friendship with Hikari though (they could have tied that into her staying with Toji and Hikari at Village 3 instead of with Kensuke). I actually wrote a WYDS fanfic for End of Evangelion way back in 2003 that emphasizes Asuka and Hikari's friendship (that's somehow still on Fanfiction.net!) But she got a friendship with Mari instead, so it's fine, lol (I also liked that they removed her crush on Kaji, which I never thought fit well in the original series). But I do wish we got to see what was going through her mind while she was stuck in the Eva and getting attacked by Unit-01. We know she was aware of what was going on because she knew what Shinji did (that he didn't try to save her or attack) so it would have been nice to see a scene or two of her reactions.

-Misato was always my second favorite character after Asuka, but I wasn't thrilled with the coldness she exhibited towards Shinji after the time-skip in 3.33. I know she probably got hardened after all those years and maybe still felt resentment towards him for initiating Near Third Impact (which killed Kaji among others). But even so, I felt like her coldness was more to keep the suspense rather than stay true to her character (plus she was the one encouraging him to do what we wanted at the time of Near Third Impact). It makes sense for Asuka to be cold to Shinji, since she was always standoffish like that, but Misato was always shown to be a source of warmth and the most "human" of the characters. But at least she made up with Shinji in the end and got to finish her story arc with a bang (literally).

-I'm not sure if it's still a thing now, but back in the day, Shinji got a lot of hate from anime fans for being too whiny and indecisive when confronted with his task of piloting the Eva. But even all those years ago, I always thought those reactions made him believable. Maybe it's because he's compared to anime shonen heroes like Naruto and Luffy, who are always cheerful and brimming with motivation, while Shinji is pretty much the opposite of those kinds of characters. But it makes sense for him to be like that...if I were a fourteen-year old kid who never knew my mother, had a father who abandoned me, and had to live on my own in a crumbling world while witnessing death and destruction all around, I'd be pretty hesitant and scared too. He's definitely not a "wish-fulfilling" protagonist like many shonen and super heroes are, but a protagonist grounded more in reality, representing a disillusioned youth. So it was nice to see him finally get over his insecurities and be proactive with saving everyone at the end of Thrice Upon a Time (compared to everyone giving him the pep talk at the end of the original series). Though I did think his personality shift was a bit abrupt...he was at his lowest point at the beginning of Thrice Upon a Time, but the one kind gesture from Rei seemed to immediately snap him out of it. A little more gradual build-up to his change would have been better, but it's a nitpick.

-Mari was an enigma in 2.22 and 3.33, so I was hoping Thrice Upon a Time would give us her origin story. Unfortunately, it didn't offer much and maybe brought up more questions than not. My main question is, we see that she knew Gendo and Yui when they were younger, yet if she was their age then, that doesn't match up to the age she appears to be when Shinji first meets her. So she must have been afflicted with the "Eva curse" all those years back, which means she must have become an Eva pilot around that time, but it seems too soon. I thought the first Evangelion pilots didn't exist until after Yui died, so Mari should have been older...I don't know, I'm still having trouble figuring out her place in the timeline. But besides that, I did like her relationship with Asuka that we see in Thrice Upon a Time. Again, it makes sense in terms of the time-skip that they'd develop a good friendship after spending all those years being Eva pilots together.

-I don't have a lot to say about Rei, since I feel her story arc is one of the simpler ones (which isn't saying much for this series, lol). The scenes of her in Village 3 in Thrice Upon a Time were endearing, though I knew they would end in tragedy. Actually, that whole part of the movie with the characters spending time in the village was great. The world-building in those scenes was fantastic too - it really felt like what a post-apocolyptic survival camp in that situation would be like. It was nice to see the characters partaking in and reacting to situations that don't have to do with Angels and Evas (spin-off series for this when?)

-And lastly, how did I interpret the end of the Rebuild saga? Was I satisfied with how it ended? Right after I watched Thrice Upon a Time, I wasn't totally sure. But after reading some more wiki pages and watching some explanation videos, especially this one here (it's a great explanation if you can forgive the bad pronunciation of the names), I've realized just how brilliant of a conclusion it is. There's been speculation that the story involves a time loop, with the events of the original TV series, as well as the Death & Rebirth and End of Evangelion movies, being different versions of the time loop, while the Rebuild movies is where the loop ends because Shinji finally overcomes the pain of his past and can restore the world this time (while he had failed to in the previous loops). I don't think it's a time loop so much as a cycle that keeps resetting and repeating. Further support for this theory is that Kaoru acts like he's met Shinji before, since he's reborn in each cycle to meet Shinji only to be killed by him later (all the coffins seen on the moon are for his past/future selves). I think the final movie title is symbolic of this too, with "Thrice Upon a Time" meaning "three times upon a time," the three times being the three cycles of the Evangelion story: the original TV series, the movies Death & Rebirth and The End of Evangelion, and finally the Rebirth movies. But mostly, the scene towards the end where Shinji meets Rei in the anti-verse, and they're standing in what appears to be a filming room while projected images from the Eva TV series are shown behind them. This to me symbolizes that the original Eva series exists in the Rebuild movies as one version of the cycle, and Shinji has now finally broken out of the loop. Once Shinji has saved everyone, the filming room (which symbolizes the old versions of the story, as I believe it's supposed to be the room where live-action footage used in previous Eva works was filmed) fades away and the literal animation around Shinji begins to break down into its purest forms, as key animation, then layouts, etc., - a near 4th wall-breaking depiction of the world resetting. However, Gendo and Yui had sacrificed themselves so that Shinji wouldn't have to, so Mari is able to pull him back into the world, just like she had promised. In the end, Shinji is able to join his friends in the new world that's free of Evas. Without the Eva curse, all the pilots are now their proper ages as well. The movie closes with Mari and Shinji heading off somewhere in their new lives while the environment merges into live-action footage, representing the fact that the story has now transcended animation and is now "real" because the cycle has finally ended and a true Neon Genesis took place. Like many aspects of the franchise, there are many ways to interpret this ending, but this is the interpretation I've settled on.

-While I am satisfied with the ending overall, I do wish the epilogue showed us more of what the other characters were doing, especially the survivors from Wille and Village 3. I know we can assume they're living out their lives as well, but it would have been nice to get confirmation of that with a few quick cameos. But there are some main characters whose fates are uncertain, particularly Misato, Kaji, and Fuyutsuki. I'm assuming the only people Shinji was able to save were the ones whose souls were still bound to Evas, namely Asuka, Rei, and Kaoru. I don't know about Kaji since I'm still not clear on exactly how he died. Maybe Shinji couldn't save Misato because she died "for real" and wasn't just trapped inside an Eva/Angel. But it is implied that many souls, not just Eva pilots, were saved when the world was restored...so maybe she was too? And like Kaji, I'm not sure what happened with Fuyutsuki. Did he turn into LCL because he gave up his humanity in some way, like Gendo? I'm also a little salty that we didn't get a decent shot of adult Asuka at the train station, lol. I'm not sure if the ending was hinting at Mari and Shinji being an item...possibly Rei and Kaoru too, maybe even Asuka and Kensuke. Like many things in the franchise, the eventual pairings, or lack thereof, could be interpreted in many ways.

In conclusion, while there were some aspects of the old Eva TV series and movies that I liked better, the Rebuild movies overall did an excellent job of retelling the story with the same rich lore and thought-provoking symbolism that we're used to for the franchise, but with enough new twists to make it stand out. And as I mentioned in my interpretation of the ending, these movies weren't just a retelling but a redefinition of the franchise as whole, bringing together the previous versions of the story and giving them true closure. Though we could see some spin-off material at some point, Thrice Upon a Time does seem like it was intended to be the final installment of the Evangelion series. While I was satisfied enough with the endings for the TV series and End of Eva movie, having watched the Rebuild movies, I do believe they're the "retelling we didn't know we needed." It's a tad bittersweet to know that such an influential franchise, and one of my favorite anime for years, has come to its true end. So, to translate the text in the below fan art...

"Thank you , Evangelion."

*Artwork credited to リオ on pixiv*

[peemil]

☕evangelion 😳

y'all are killing me

the more time i spend apart from this show, the more i find myself kind of hating it shsjhl;hjsdhjso;d. i am somehow now in an even worse place mentally than i was when i first watched evangelion but even so i am NOT letting myself fall in the same traps of woobifying shinji and excusing the behaviors i shared with him and vice versa.

starting with my most general take, i don't like the rebuilds. like, at all. granted, i haven't seen 3.0 + 1.0 yet, and i will be avoiding spoilers until there is an official english translation, but i feel like the rebuilds are kind of what you get when you listen a little too hard to people who didn't get the psychological parts of eva and spent the latter half of the series wishing it would go "back" to being a regular mecha anime (which it never was in the first place). the rebuilds lack a lot of the same internal conflicts that drive the characters (especially shinji), and higher budget means the rebuilds can be more direct in their storytelling and less reliant on alternative ways of communicating ideas, which causes the rebuilds to lose some of the avant-garde present in the original series. as a result, it's jarring to see some of the attempts made at this in 3.0, and painful to watch these attempts fail, as they have no real precedent in the film series. the best way for me to explain the rebuilds is they feel like sterilized and polished, but hollow versions of the original anime series. but maybe i'm just biased, because none of the things i liked about the original are present in the films.

on to more minutiae... i've said it once and i'll say it again, asuka langley soryu is a LESBIAN and there's nothing anyone can do to make me stop reading her character in this way. the only male characters she is depicted as having any romantic feelings towards in the series just (unintentionally) so... comphet. her obsessive flirting with kaji is rooted in her need to prove her worth as an adult, i.e., to prove to others that she is something she inherently is not. plus, he's older, and he's conventionally attractive, so if she didn't have feelings for him (or at least publicly perform having feelings for him), she'd be out of her mind, right? asuka is also someone shown to pursue connections out of convenience (literally citing it as her primary reason for wanting to be friends with rei), and any intimacy she shares with shinji (i.e., their kissing scene) is done only because 1. she's bored 2. shinji is the closest person available. i find the notion that she's a tsundere hiding her real feelings for him laughable, because we've seen what asuka is like around people she genuinely likes and whom she wants to like: the hatred she shows for rei takes a different form from her hatred for shinji: whereas asuka is disgusted by shinji, she is resentful towards rei. her resentment towards rei curiously begins only after rei rejects asuka's offer of friendship, so i am inclined to believe that asuka's feelings of anger when she sees rei receives more respect than she believes she does at nerv are compounded by the fact that she wanted to like rei and have a connection with rei, but wasn't permitted to do so. we also get to see how asuka acts around the one person with whom asuka is able to form a meaningful connection with, whom she lets herself trust and open up to: hikari. asuka actually has fun with hikari and feels safe enough around her to not only seek refuge with her and her family in her time of need, but also to admit that her rage is mostly towards none other than herself. her behavior towards shinji is nothing like her behavior towards either of these characters, but it is not much different from her behavior towards kensuke and toji, two other boys in her class, so maybe... maybe she just doesn't like boys? lol. i'm aware that asuka is genuinely homophobic and awful in the episode 24 drafts, and that it was in no way, shape, or form the writers' intent to turn that into some sort of commentary on internalized homophobia. but with the canon footage that did get animated, i'm really not sure how else i'm supposed to analyze this aspect of her character.

similarly, i don't appreciate how many fans will treat headcanoning shinji as gay instead of bi is somehow "bi erasure." number one, shinji's behavior and attitudes towards the women around him is actually kind of appalling, so i wouldn't necessarily want to use his objectification of and acts of violence against their bodies as particularly strong evidence that he's genuinely attracted to women. number two, of course a show about a young man made in the late 90's is going to try to portray the people to whom he is attracted primarily as women. partially because they can't start from the get-go with him having his teenage sexual awakening with another male—for a mainstream anime, that wouldn't be profitable—and partially because this is an anime and showing women and girls in a sexual light is profitable. and given shinji's role of audience surrogate, of course he is going to be the one doing the ogling and sexualizing because he is us, and after all, it is the viewer who wants to see the anime tiddies, no? shinji's more sexual encounters with the women in his life are always either deeply awkward, uncomfortable, and even unnatural, or they completely obectify and commodify the bodies of the women in question. for this reason, i have always seen these moments as existing without genuine attraction: only either confusion (because these situations really are quite blatantly sexual) or simply a disingenuous performance of the attraction shinji thinks he should be displaying, manifesting as the same objectification of women he has seen men exhibit for all of his life—it's little more than a mimicry of the bad behavior he has grown up watching, because that's what he thinks attraction towards women is supposed to look like. conversely, his actions with kaworu, while skittish, seem to come much more organically. shinji is constantly and consistently drawn to kaworu, in addition to being willing to open up to kaworu in ways he doesn't let himself with any other person. granted, kaworu is the only person to give shinji the love he desperately needs and craves throughout the entire course of the series, but the fact that kaworu is the first person shinji genuinely acts like a kid his age with a massive crush in a way that doesn't feel blatantly scripted around, as well as the fact that shinji goes on to feel more slighted by kaworu's perceived betrayal than any mistreatment he experiences from anyone in the whole course of the series (save for his literal father)... idk. sus lol

been awhile since i've done a proper rewatch of this show so i can't speak super generally since i unfortunately don't remember too much. one thing i will say though, i LOVE how the series is very upfront about the fact that shinji's loneliness and trauma (and loneliness and trauma in general) are going to be core themes in the series from the start. people say the first 6 episodes are slow just because they don't have as much action as some of the episodes in the middle of the series, but i remember speeding through them in one sitting because i wanted to understand more about shinji and his inner workings; i was fascinated by his psychology. people famously refer to evangelion as a bait-and-switch, and maybe that's true to a degree, because i don't think anyone really saw the shift to more trippy animation coming, but the psychological themes present in the latter parts of the series are still very present in episodes 1-4. i'm also amused by people who say they're "caught off guard" by the last four or so episodes, because the major shift towards being a show primarily about psychology really begins in episode 16, when eva unit 01 is consumed by leliel and shinji has to confront the "self within his self" for the first time in the train car of his mind. i know it begins as just another angel fight but like... guys... how did you miss that... episode 16, because it really is where this shift begins, is actually my favorite episode in the entire series. that, and it was where i was first introduced to this hegelian concept of each person functioning both as an actor or operator who carries out actions, as well as an audience perceiving and observing their actions, their thoughts, and themself. which, to a degree, solidifies the notion that anything and everything technically could be considered performance. it's made my work much, much easier and my day-to-day life much, much more dramatic.

[waaty]

ok so i beat omori last night (got/saw all endings except for anything hikikomori route exclusive since i didn’t do that) so i’m gonna talk about it a little! feel free to chat with me about it though i recommend not reading this if you haven’t beaten the game since yes it will ruin it for you!!!!

CUT FOR SPOILERS

seriously though i think the twist was what kinda made the game so if you’re still reading this and haven’t beaten it stop reading!!!!!

ok so in general i liked the game! i really enjoyed the main story about sunny and his friends. him dealing with mari’s death was compelling and even if it’s a little unbelievable, i enjoyed the Big Twist, especially with how things like black space started hinting toward it. black space in general was one of my fav parts of the game and i really enjoyed how it showed sunny’s perhaps conflicting feelings about basil, like sunny DOES like basil and clearly basil thinks very highly of sunny, but basil keeps on dying in black space perhaps because sunny also resents him? maybe because basil represents the truth and sunny is desperately trying to avoid that truth.

speaking of “the truth”, after beating game i looked online like on reddit so see what other people thought about the ending. apparently most people think that sunny accidentally pushed mari down the stairs, then he and basil brought her to a bed, and then later they hung her up together. tbh i’m kind of surprised they got that much information since the photos were so blurry! honestly i came away thinking that sunny intentionally pushed mari down the stairs and after she fell it looked like he was choking her to death???? wow that’s super dark maybe i really misunderstood. honestly if that was the case i would probably want more information why sunny wanted to kill mari so much in that moment but tbh i was getting huge evangelion vibes and hey if shinji wants to choke asuka who am i to ask why?

i am still finding myself a bit wanting with the whole thing though. i really wanted to see more about basil and honestly i want to know what’s up with the CATS... there are so many cats in the game, mewo is suspiciously missing except for that fucked up black space sequence? did sunny kill mewo???? why isn’t this brought up????? and with basil, idk, it seems like he has other issues than just helping sunny in that moment that i would like to see more of. i want to see more of sunny and basil’s relationship! like tbh that last fight with basil he was being kiiiinda yandere ngl. sunny also left basil in the bathroom while he was consumed with his something on day 2 like a huge jerk too. plus omori doesn’t seem to care for basil in the dreamworld much, though he also doesn’t seem to hate him either... idk! there’s a lot more i want to see wrt that.

i am interested in the hikikomori route but honestly i spent nearly 70 hours playing this game (NOT ALL ACTIVELY... but it is not a short game) and the pacing is rough at times. idk about anyone else but i was super frustrated in the beginning of the game where basil disappears before everyone’s eyes and they’re like “huh did he wander off?” and they go searching in a garbage dump for mixtapes... why would basil be in the sky, in a garbage dump, under water, in a castle? i understand now that maybe the game was trying to suggest that sunny was trying to forget about basil but as a player it just felt like the game was throwing all these sidequests at me that i don’t care about. how much screentime sweetheart got was also weird, like she has no point but to be obnoxious? she doesn’t represent anyone important in sunny’s life, she’s just based on the candy shop owner... idk, while i respect the concept, i really wish these parts were shorter and we got hints of basil more often instead of sweetheart drama.

in general it was a good game though! there’s a lot of cool little details and if you have any theories or comments please hmu. :O

[very-grownup]

The Year is 2020 and I Watched Neon Genesis Evangelion for the First Time, Part 2

Episode 8.

Misato takes a bunch of teen boys out on a military rendezvous thing because she is at the point in her life where they are the only ones who think she is cool and don't judge her for her terrible lifestyle and alcoholism.

We meet a new friend, Asuka, who has red hair and is German (to contrast with Rei who has blue hair and is Japanese). She establishes her dominance by slapping teen boys and refusing to be embarrassed when the wind blows her dress over her head. She thinks Shinji sucks because he has poor self-esteem and empathy is hard and society does not have an understanding place for teen boys who manifest their issues through passive depression. She has an EVA and she loves getting in the robot because it is cool and powerful and strong. Her EVA is red which does make it objectively the coolest of the giant robots so far. She comes with her own inappropriate adult guardian named Kaji who has poor boundaries, does nothing to deter her crush on him. Kaji sabotages Misato as an authority figure by flirting with her and alluding to a sexual history. I guess it makes sense because fourteen is a prime age to begin noticing people sexually and the combination of that and the adolescent desire of the tantalizingly distant adulthood makes that one hot, relatively young teacher you have a fascinating source of fantasy.

All of the boats are named after Shakespeare plays except for the one called "Over the Rainbow". I like this.

This is the first episode where I notice Shinji is referred to as something which the subtitles have decided to call the "Third Children" so that I know these are bad subtitles that would rather be literal than good even though this is my first time watching the series!

A majestic sea pancake with teeth attacks from the water and basically all these ships are fucked and probably a lot of sailors die and Asuka gets in the robot and makes Shinji also get in the robot because she wants him to know how cool her robot is.

Asuka seems like the kind of girl who doesn't expect her peers to like her and who will pursue the approval of cool adults instead and doesn't mind not being friends with her peers as long as they fear/admire her because those are more reliable feelings than friendship.

Kaji /fucks off/ while the boat is under attack because he's not actually here to protect Asuka and these teens AND the giant robots are super disposable. Misato briefly thinks he's going to be helpful before realizing he's ditching. I feel like that's probably a lot of their dynamic - Kaji letting Misato down even though each time he shows up part of her thinks maybe he won't suck. This is probably Misato's relationship with a lot of people. There's a reason she drinks.

There's a cool underwater fight scene which is also a city destroying fight scene because the cities of the 20th century are underwater due to Incidents. They refer to the power plug and the cord Asuka's robot is attached to as the umbilical cord and hey I hate that. The only two remaining battleships get fucking jammed into the sea pancake's mouth simultaneously like hotdogs and then blow up and that's considered a win. /So many sailors are dead from this incident/.

Kaji fucking ditched to bring Shinji's dad a briefcase with some fucking space blob DNA encased in a fancy casserole dish and they refer to it as Adam and fuck you know nothing good ever comes from things named Adam. This concludes my report on Episode 8 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Episode 9 and 10 behind the cut.

Episode 9.

Asuka hates being in Japan and all her peers hate that she's in Japan. Asuka derives her self-worth from excelling at something she is used to having no competition in (piloting a giant robot) and being homesick just pushes that need harder. Shinji is upset because Asuka's aggressive and enthusiastic approach to the thing he is most frightened of makes him feel like less of a man and also less grownup. Also she has boobs and he is fourteen and girls existing is maybe as distressing as giant robots.

Someone in this episode realizes that having fourteen-year-olds pilot the giant robots is both a stupid and embarrassing decision when Shinji and Asuka's poor teamwork cause an Angel to duplicate itself which is the opposite of giant robots.

There is a lot of giant robot slapstick in this episode and it's very good and I laughed.

Kaji has stuck around to sexually harass Misato and make her workplace awful and make everyone, including Misato, not take his harassment seriously because they used to date so it's not harassment it's just falling into an old bad habit and it's depressingly realistic.

Misato is made entirely responsible for Asuka and Shinji's slapstick failure even though Asuka is supposedly Kaji's responsibility. She comes up with a very stupid plan to help them synchronize via DDR and being humiliated in front of their peers. Humiliating teens IS funny. But it also feels cruel when you consider Misato is the closest thing to an ally Shinji has. How much of Misato's poor decision making (with respect to the kids' emotional wellbeing) is a result of Misato living her best worst life and how much is the result of Misato being stressed out and doubting herself and her decisions and so much else because of Kaji's constant negging and flirtatious presence? She's already in over her head with the Shinji situation.

Shinji and Asuka are forced to live together in Misato's tiny shitty apartment and do everything together and in tandem and it's mostly a comical training montage of how much they hate each other.

There's a night when they're alone and they steal the opportunity for privacy. Asuka sleepwalks onto Shinji's futon and she still has boobs and Shinji is still 14 and he moves in to kiss her while she's asleep, until he realizes she's crying for her mother in her sleep. He removes himself from temptation, realizing that Asuka's just a fucked up kid, too. But it's a realization that comes with resentment: he wanted that fantasy of the peer who is also a sexy, confident grown up because it makes Asuka both an aspirational power fantasy figure and a sexual fantasy and if she's just a messed up kid like Shinji she can't be either.

It's sad because the whole episode encapsulates how NERV is failing these kids as well as why. Misato makes Shinji and Asuka figure out how to synchronize and work together but in a bad shitty way where they don't really understand each other because this is the military. Misato's job is to defeat the Angels and doing that efficiently and quickly takes priority over Shinji and Asuka's well-being as individuals. So, it works in the moment, but they aren't any closer to each other or understanding each other. There is no /time/ for empathy.

Their synchronized battle at the end of the episode against the duplicated monster is visually very cool and exciting and dynamic and a great sixty seconds of animation and it's clearly mostly a light gag episode to support the resources going to those sixty seconds. But that's sort of sad too, isn't it? This concludes my report on Episode 9 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Episode 10.

Okay so we started Beastars which has some really gorgeous use of colour that manages to echo the distinctive and striking style of the manga while being very much its own thing and we end the night with Madoka where tonight were time loop death pacts, so the Evangelion episode kind of got overwhelmed.

There's an Angel egg in the depths of an active volcano and Asuka's giant robot has to be put in an adorable space suit so as not to be crushed/melted by the pressure. Asuka's got a box to trap the egg in. I think they want to get the egg out of the volcano because if it hatches in the volcano it'll explode but they don't seem to have a plan for what to do with the egg if they manage to remove it from the volcano (they don't, obviously; egg hatches and has way too much mouth).

The main takeaway is that Shinji's dad is 100% ready to fucking nuke his son if it's necessary to stop the volcano from volcanoing with the Angel? I'm not actually clear on this point, but I am clear that Commander Ikari will nuke his son, possibly for many reasons.

It ends with Misato taking the kids to a hot spring because they couldn't go on their class trip to Okinawa (even though surely all the beaches are radioactive?). Surprisingly, you do not see the ladies in the hot spring, although Shinji gets a boner hearing Misato admire Asuka's breasts and skin. A penguin is the first creature to see Shinji's erect penis. This concludes my report on Episode 10 of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

[morsking]

not to be galaxy-brained and risk absolute inanity but when shirou takes off the shroud in his room he feels fear of death for the first time in his life and it’s heavily indicative of how deeply personal it is for shirou to die not at the hands of someone else but by something that comes from within him.

shirou doesn’t exactly show or express fear every time he’s sacrificed himself physically for someone else. he jumps in front of berserker’s attack to save saber, he lunges himself forward to stop rider from killing rin, and does so again when sakura’s magic rages out of control and a spike is about to skewer rin in heaven’s feel. he’s not afraid either in the school when blood fort andromeda is activated and people are on the ground agonizing at their life force being stolen, he’s just mad beyond reason or doubt. in all cases but the last one, this is shirou choosing to suffer pain as a form of asserting both his ideals and achieving some form of atonement for what he perceives to be his unfair survival. shirou’s choice to sacrifice himself is how he expresses that fundamental part of him, which is why he doesn’t hesitate to put himself in harm’s way. 

archer’s arm, however, presents a greater danger to himself because the pain inflicted upon him is so violently overwhelming it overwrites his entire existence. it is a foreign contaminant that infects and takes over his entire body and nervous system that turns his entire being into a weapon while destroying his psyche. there is no assertion of the self to be made by undergoing through that pain, there is only the absolute erasure of everything shirou emiya is both conceptually and physically. shirou thinks to himself how the fear he experiences is primal. he’s not trying to resist dying because he wishes to live, like he does when he first fights cu chulainn in the emiya estate. instead, he tries to resist because he doesn’t want to die. that is an important distinction because the former is shirou challenging the notion of senseless and unjust murder, the latter is shirou reacting to a primal instinct to simply survive. there is no moral prerogative or ethical stake to enforce or overcome. it is just a living being desperate to not be eradicated. 

it is absolutely perverse and nerve-wracking about how what threatens to annihilate him so thoroughly is a body part belonging to archer, the monument of shirou’s ideals given form. something from within you, a part of you meant to help you survive, is trying to destroy you, both in a physical sense and and in a personal one. archer is the epitome of shirou emiya’s path of heroism, but as ubw explored that path only led to a self-destruction that caused more deaths than anyone should ever have to cause. that idea is taken even further here, because archer’s direct physical connection to shirou, which previously helped shirou fight gilgamesh and win, is now a rigged shotgun that will blow his brains out if he doesn’t handle it carefully. archer’s arm is the remnant of something even less present than a ghost, and being killed by it presents a finality so absolute in its oblivion that if it overtakes shirou completely, there really will be nothing left of shirou. the ideal kills the person.

following another thread though, it gives shirou another connection to sakura. when shirou asks sakura about whether she dislikes the matou magecraft, she answers “that’s like asking a person if she hates breathing.” she elaborates that her life depends on her feeding on others’ magical energy. she can’t hate it or denounce it in any way, she can only accept that it’s the only way she can survive. crest worms are a part of her and her condition as a person, so she is in no position to argue or reject their presence. 

but more importantly, there is something else that’s also a part of her that both serves to define her and help her survive, and that’s angra mainyu. because sakura consciously refuses to consume human flesh, angra mainyu has to actively induce hypnosis on her and lead her into the city to find prey. it should be noted that angra mainyu’s influence also draws out some of sakura’s negative emotions forward to the point where she mindlessly makes possessive and threatening comments prior to her transformation. once sakura kills shinji, those negative emotions take over sakura and overshadow the goodness within her.

archer’s arm for shirou and angra mainyu/crest worms to sakura have this way of exposing these negative aspects of themselves. archer’s arm presents to shirou the ultimate destruction of the self by the hands of own’s on ideals, symbolically warning shirou that if he chooses to become a superhero for the sake of being one rather than to save sakura, he will die as a person because he would deny himself love and his own agency. for sakura, she would end up losing herself entirely to both her resentment and her self-loathing until they are the only things that remain in the world. fate/stay night is, among other things, about being yourself and dropping all pretense and falsehoods, and in both their cases, it is shirou abandoning a fake ideal and deciding to be human and sakura’s pain, trauma, and anger being acknowledged and asserting that she deserves happiness not in spite of those things but because of them. regardless of what she’s done and what she might do, what matters is that she needs to be saved rather than fall into a void where nothing is hers and she becomes nothing.

[millennialdemon]

Shinji’s personality is fine I suppose, but it’s hard to not hate him a bit when we have a character like Rage who a) accepted the invitation to the elite music school because he was struggling to survive with Daiya and accepting it meant “free” housing and food, and more importantly b) is aware of the class disparity between him and Shinji, ponders it, and reasonably resents him for it. 

Shinji has a naive personality and it’s supposed to be quirky, that out-of-touch rich people “charm” like that of Mugi in K-On!!-- but it doesn’t really work when Rage and Daiya stand in his pristine mansion and scoff at him when he says his housekeepers handle the chores, when they were struggling to get food on the table not long ago.

[themattress]

Evangelion: the manga > the anime

Reason 4: Shinji and Gendo’s relationship

The manga keeps all that was interesting about the horrible relationship between father and son while adding new elements to it that give it even more depth. Three moments stand out:

1. At the very start of the story, following the famous “get in the fucking robot, Shinji” routine, Gendo doesn’t simply give up on Shinji and try to have Rei pilot Unit 01 again. He makes the deliberate choice to tell his son “Go home...coward”. This pointed insult helps Shinji decide to pilot Unit 01 as much as seeing Rei’s current condition does, and it’s indicated that Gendo knew as much...because it’s what he would have done if he was in Shinji’s position. Gendo is aware that he and his son are not so different and is perfectly willing to use this fact to emotionally manipulate Shinji, establishing him right off the bat as a cold-hearted bastard.

2. When he and Shinji are at Yui’s grave, Gendo doesn’t just keep it curt and then leave. He actually tells Shinji that he should stop trying to bond with him or rely on him for help, that he should go forge his own path because he feels that’s the sad truth about humankind: understanding one another is impossible and only through relying on one’s self can one become strong. And he wants Shinji to be strong. In a twisted way, it’s the most fatherly he’s been to Shinji, even when he’s telling him “stop expecting me to be fatherly toward you”.

3. Their final one-on-one interaction in volume 12 is fascinating. After Shinji calls Gendo out on all of his bullshit, Gendo bluntly confesses that he never loved Shinji and has in fact resented him since birth for “stealing Yui’s affection away”. He goes on to describe how deeply he loved Yui, how he hates God for “taking her from him”, and that he doesn’t just want to reunite with Yui but to exact revenge on God by becoming a god himself who can dictate humanity’s destiny. And then he admits that he may have been wrong before: perhaps he and Shinji can understand each other, perhaps they already do. Even if they can’t love each other, they both love Yui and they both have reason to be angry at the world that has caused them so much suffering. “Become an avenger with me!” Gendo tells his son (lol, that has different connotations now), his hands on both sides of Shinji’s face. He is invested in the idea of Shinji joining him, of Shinji being on his side. This is a big hint that despite his claims of having never loved Shinji, at his innermost core Gendo does care for his son and has simply been too fucked-up of a person to ever acknowledge and act on those feelings. And Shinji, in spite of everything, is very much tempted to join Gendo in this moment. It really does a perfect job showing just how complex their fractured relationship is and I love it.

[ivnwrites]

How Asuka Langley Soryu is a realistic portrayal of teenage female sexuality

Neon Genesis Evangelion is a legendary science fiction and mecha anime created by Hideaki Anno in 1995 (though there's some heated debate over the second designation given the reality of the evangelions). It's noted for its psychological and theological discussions and its questions about humanity, loneliness, and what it means to live with other people. The main characters have also achieved this sort of legendary status, becoming easily recognizable, but they also are notable just for how well they're written.

Asuka Langley Soryu is one of the main eva pilots and, I am going to be talking about how she is depicted in terms of her developing romantic and sexual awareness in the series and how it's still one of the most accurate depictions of female adolescent sexuality in any media.(I am doing this as a currently 21 year old woman who went through being a 14 year old girl)

Asuka fits almost perfectly into the mold of a traditional mecha anime protagonist; we're told that she got her college degree at 13, she's an ace pilot, she's assertive and much more determined than the actual main character, and has a dead parent. But Evangelion isn't a traditional mecha anime so none of this happens without consequence. Asuka's accomplishments and her need to be the "best" are shown to be the result of her desperation not to be ignored. This in turn stems from her mother's insanity during which she thought a doll was Asuka and couldn't recognize her own daughter. Needing her mother to see her is so important and fundamental to her character that knowing her mother is still literally there 'watching over her' inside the eva is enough to pull her out of complete catatonia in the series ending. This background allows Asuka to have more depth than a traditional character who is simply portrayed as sexy with no knowledge of it or acknowledgement from other characters in the series, making her simply eye candy for the audience but has no ownership of her own body.

The most famous (infamous?) scene that needs to included in this discussion happens when she is attacked by Arael in episode 22 and has her mental breakdown, we see a snippet a the scene I'll talk about later with Kaji. It repeats over and over the last moment when she yanks open her shirt to expose her bra and the top of her breasts and screams "Look at me, dammit, look at me!" As a result of her mental state, we don't know if this is what actually happened, but that doesn't matter because the scene tells us that this is part of how Asuka thinks of her body in her own mind. One analysis I've read talked about this scene as Asuka's frustration that "her body isn't developed or adult in the way she wishes it was." I agree with this, and also read the scene as her sort of trying to physically reinforce her assertion that she's an adult, and her saying 'I have an adult body, why don't you want me?'

This frustration and anger stems from the conflicting messages that girls receive. They're told at various young ages that they're women just because of their bodies development. Growing breasts mean that they are "getting a woman's body," they "become women" when they start menstruating. However, these physical experiences are universal, and pay no heed to a girl's individual mental development. Physical changes can only exacerbate this, because girls see their bodies matching those of women, and so does society at large. Girls the world over start to be treated as adults the instant they start developing breasts when it comes to seeing them as sexual objects, but at the same time, they are still belittled and told that they aren't smart enough to know their own bodies. Girls are also told that they supposedly mature faster than boys, and all of this together creates a strange conflict where girls are at the same time told that they are supposed to be adults and yet only treated as adults when it is convenient for those around them, or when they do something wrong, otherwise they are seen as foolish children. "Save the world, but don't expect your emotional turmoil to be taken seriously."

This can be seen clearly in her relationship with Kaji. Throughout the series, Asuka is shown to be infatuated with him, even though he’s in his 30s and already in an on-again-off-again relationship with Misato. He's shown openly flirting with other adult characters in the series, and multiple characters even get in cracks about it, but from his first appearance onward, he brushes off every one of her advances. We see what is perhaps the most significant their interactions during the Arael scene. The audience is shown a flashback to the two of them having a nighttime conversation on the deck of a ship while they're traveling to Japan from Germany during which she tries somewhat clumsily to seduce(?) him and convince him that she's not interested in anyone else. His ultimate response is to tell her that she's still a child and doesn't have to rush into everything because she still has time.

In reality, it isn't rare for teenagers to develop crushes on adults in addition to their peers. In real girls, the same way as in the series, they can see it as a sign that they are more mature than their peers or even more ready for an 'adult' relationship than those around them. Asuka has what is probably the best outcome; the subject of her affection turns her down but is otherwise kind, as are the other adults around her. In the end it's her own deeper unacknowledged problems that cause the situation to spiral. The problem is that unlike in the series, there often seems to be no way for girls to win psychologically. In real life, if a girl's feelings are returned this leads to obvious problems, and public rejection can lead to ridicule. Girls are blamed for mistakes on the one hand, and belittled on the other. They aren't given the compassion and understanding that they need most at those times.

Through her interactions with Kaji, we can see the disconnect between Asuka's desire to be seen as an adult and her actual actions. She become hyper, somewhat aggressive, and slightly possessive when Kaji is around, becoming frustrated when the relationship between him and Misato rekindles. From Asuka's perspective, she can't see why she isn't the better choice. As discussed above, she sees her physical body as functionally the same as all the other women Kaji expresses even passing interest in, and psychologically she sees herself as more mature than Misato (and she is both right and wrong depending on which aspect of their personalities you examine, but that's a whole unrelated issue). The problem is that she has no idea what the adults around her are thinking; an adult man will not be attracted to an adolescent girl, and though all of the women around her can see that this is just a teenage crush, Asuka herself doesn't have the life experience to know this yet. This, combined with her fear of being ignored, means that what is actually a perfectly reasonable rejection registers to her as abandonment.

We can see this even more clearly if we look at her relationship with Shinji. The two of them are the same age, classmates, living together with Misato, both lost their mothers at a young age, both pilot the evangelions, and have grudging sexual tension that persists to the very end. Despite this, their personalities are pretty much incompatible. The line that is most iconic between them is Asuka's  "what are you, stupid?" (the english dub's version of her japanese line "Anta baka?" basically asking 'are you dumb?'). Shinji is a lot more timid and less self confident than Asuka, and she frequently is shown literally pushing him around. We see in other parts of the series that he is attracted to her but is too intimidated by her to really be able to do anything.

At one point when the two are alone at home, she kisses him, explicitly stating that it's because she's bored. It predictably doesn't go well, with Shinji just standing there frozen until Asuka backs away and then runs to the bathroom to dramatically rinse her mouth out, declaring that she should never kiss to kill time. It's played as a funny scene, but later we see that it actually had a deep effect on Asuka. It's implied that she did see Shinji as a potential romantic interest, but saw his silence and his lack of engagement with her as rejection, and this along with his improvement as a pilot over the series leads her to resent him more and more. During her mental breakdown, Asuka sees an image of his face and screams "You won't help me! You won't even hold me! You're no one! No one!"

In her mind, she has been rejected by all of the people sh's approached romantically. This leads her to feel unwanted and she starts to draw in on herself, and her feeling of animosity grow to encompass all of the characters in the series. In the same episode as her breakdown, she's shown standing naked in front of a bathtub (see note below) saying how much she hates having to be so close to Misato and Shinji. She become more and more worked up until she kicks something across the room yelling "I hate Misato, and I hate Shinji, and I hate that First Child bitch Rei! I hate my dad, I hate my mom! But mostly, most of all, I hate myself! I hate this! I can't stand it anymore! Why do I have to do this! Why me?!"

It is intriguing that Asuka, and the other female characters in Evangelion who show similar insight, came from the mind of an unmarried (at the time), childless man in his mid-30s. Anno himself says that "I like to read romance novels written by women. Since I'm a male, I don't really know the emotions of women. And because I want to understand their feelings, and create more realistic female characters, this is something I have to pursue." and there are plenty of accounts of him asking female animators and voice actresses for their input on characters to ensure that they were realistic. Because of this, Anno allows Asuka to express some of the frustration teenage girls feel with their bodies, and manages to walk the thin line of making Asuka real as a burgeoning sexual being without crossing into the sexualization of a minor.

Note: It is uncomfortably easy to find sexual art and dolls of the underage main female characters in the series but none of this comes from the series itself (there is one character who provides occasional 'fanservice', but she is an adult woman in her 30s). In the actual anime, nudity is not treated sexually, rather it is used to represent and heighten characters' feelings of vulnerability and isolation, reinforcing the idea that characters have been left completely alone with nothing except for their own skin, and at times not even that. Despite this, fans in Japan fixated on the character Rei Ayanami, which Anno attributed to the fact that "They can't handle strong women such as Misato and Asuka." This is even more unfortunate because it abandons the character's stoic loyalty and dive into self reflection midway through the series in favor of reducing Rei to an injured quivering victim using just the visuals of episode 1 (though once again, there's character traits there that are ignored as well). The most important part to say about this is also the fact that both Rei and Asuka are 14 YEARS OLD IN THE SERIES. For god's sake Japanese men, WHY!

Another Note: Actually I can explain why; the age of consent in Japan is 13 which has led to entire industries based on the exploitation of teenage girls, which means that child prostitution and pornography are rampant. Essentially, pedophilia is totally legal in Japan, in addition to child pornography as long as it isn't of real people, meaning that pedophilic anime and manga are totally legal, because easily available child pornography has 0 negative impacts, right? (WRONG). industries based on exploiting young girls: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/for-vulnerable-high-school-girls-in-japan-a-culture-of-dates-with-older-men/2017/05/15/974146c4-035d-11e7-9d14-9724d48f5666_story.html?noredirect=on&utm_term=.a58a262e1867 child pornography laws in Japan: http://time.com/2892728/japan-finally-bans-child-pornography/ https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/57eaaf23-0cef-48c8-961f-41f2563b38aa